My Blog

Long time no see…
didn’t catch that writing mood yet, hard to find masterpiece inspiration.huheuhue….
well..well…got an interesting thought about this word :
marriage
what do u think? what do u think about marriage?seriously i want to know your opinion.
is it just a word in a dictionary for you? or is it the word of your dreamland or even nightmare?
I started this blog after watching celebrity A and M on the infotainment news. How the husband handle a marriage like disney magic kingdom (well of course he’s the king), and nobody’s right except him. The wife, well…after she’s trapped in a tower of terror for years, she found her magic wound and…voila…the stardusts shimmering all over her now, then she began to think…"what am I doing in this not so dreamland (anymore) kingdom?,maybe i should build my own now.."
Maybe they forgot that the kingdom used to be "their" dreamland…or maybe after some years of marriage and living in it love is just not enough, or maybe you just begin to forget how to love.
Marriage,again…what do you think?
Do u feel 100percent happy about your marriage? Or u never even think about that, your days just passed by and by and by.
Ok, for me…just like anybody will say…marriage is part of your "ibadah", your way to heaven. (amien).
But that will be just an  ordinary answer, isn’t it? Marriage for me is a long long road you have to travel, but too bad…you dropped the map somewhere between the mosque(or church or home where u took the vow) and the road in front of your house. Oh my Lord, that soon? yes, that soon you lost the map, but you know you have to survive, and you both are..of course still smiling, cause you ve got truckload full of loves.blink..blink…blink…!Well, the the next day you woke up, go to the bathroom and found your tooth paste squeezed in the wrong way…argh…u want to scream out loud,but.."hm…i have to accept my love one the way he/she is"…
See, u lost the map but u can still take the right turn? love does give u direction.
For that and zillion things….that u thought u can’t forgive and forget…..
But will your love account run out of love?and the love credit card machine will appears..DECLINED…DECLINED….!That time you will probably felt soooooo tired, fed up, had it, and wished u marry the romantic soooo heavenly nice good looking guy u saw driving Porsche when u wait for the bus in the morning (cause your husband still can’t buy u a car)….FANTASY…..u start the fantasying the impossible.
Or for some people the actually bring their fantasy into real and it will hurt a lot of people. it’s not worth doing..simply because YOU ARE MARRIED already. That reason is not enough for you??
Marriage is a commitment for me. Commitment that I made for myself. It’s not an easy path all right…it’s not all about laughing, love and happiness. It’s about sacrificing also, crying, heartbreaking…. Indeed it’s the hardest task ive ever know, not just because the mistery of good or bad husband you got. But it’s about our ego.We will feel at some point that we’re the one that already serve sooo much or giving so many kindness, but yet still unsatisfying. But maybe your husband/wife felt the same way too. I always look at it this way…Im no angel, Im a stubborn asshole sometimes, and he can love me in the first place…im lucky. And if that love is ever fade someday, i will still take care, love and respect him because he did once love me and stay with me while im being stupid n stubborn. An Id pray to Allah that he will feel the same way too, cause now..im trying to love him no matter ho hard the situation is..I always try to go home to my marriage, my commitment.
Easy to say it is….but it’s hard. However get a note and wrote something u grateful about your marriage,and read them while u are sooo mad and lost…It’s a commitment. Probably better living will add sparks on your happiness, well…after a big fight go to the mall and burn the credit card of yours (if you are a shopaholic), bought truckload of books and gave them to poor children (if u are a social person)….or just kiss your kids and let them be your best gifts.
Well, well…that’s what I think…….Marriage…interesting subject…maybe i will add some more….later! what do u think ..?

after all i am only a human

God, im so tired
i felt mad and im exhausted
i could handle baby blues…but….
isn’t this too much for me God?

Im so sorry ….
this time of life makes it hard to be gratefull..
Im trying though…hard….
hum….sometimes I felt like I just wanna quit
but i need to keep going

Im so sorry God…
please help me,to be more gratefull than I am right now…
it’s been weeks since
i lost my "rest" time
im tiiireeeed…..

had to get up at 4 or 5,
do the laundry,mop and wipe clean the
two stories house
wash the dishesh and all
prepare zee’s breakfast and meals…
prepare breakfast,do this and that this and that…just never end
and had to be done before 9 coz…I gotta go to work
then work work work…with a dream that someday we can get rich
so can give more to others…
work done at 5 pick zee ’s up….
and clean the bottles, zee’s laundry for the day..
prepare dinnner, do this and that and this and that….
and start to work online,work work work till midnight
that plus….zee’s criying, zee needs to change diapers, zee need his milk
wait, did he take his medicine yet?oooopopspsopsop….
sorry for complaining God, after all Im only a human… =)

that’s just my regular no maid full time mom full time worker…..
and…I think I could still handle that….

But…zee is sick, ayah is sick….with all that and this?
Just me alone… alone….who’s actually don’t feel well
but who will play the hero rules?hahahahaha

Sometimes I just cried sooooo hard inside the bathroom
to let go all the sorrows….huiks hiks hiks
But it definitely makes me feel so much better
than I pray to Allah,please give me that super power and excessive happiness everyday
so I can pass my day with BIG SMILE

but Allah….I do complains sometimes
(who said it’s gonna be easy?)
i know…but after all..
IM ONLY HUMAN…that TRYING TO BE AN ANGEL

"this post is for my zee that loves clock soooooooo much as if it’s a
magic box.I hope you can do better than bunda in this time dealing
thing…..Ill try to teach you to be better than me with your unique
personality, not with mine…Cause you are different,and I am glad n
thankful for that"

If Allah gave u more time in one day…um…30 hours maybe, or…40 hours,will that be enough for you?
Can you still complain that you just need more time, or….I didn’t get the chance to do it today. All those lame excuses will be disappeared like a jinny, wush!!gone, gone, gone!
REALLY? I don’t think so….
Time is like the ultimate excuse to runaway from our responsibilities, our duties, our works,etc - etc.Blame it to time, it will never complain back to you!never charge back. Just sit there quietly,sssshhhhhhhhh…..then it saved you…again!
Ever said thanks to time because it saved you zillion billion time from…being fired, being accused, being dishonored, being killed maybe, hehehehe…? I never got that chance to do it (Oh my GOD!another lame excuse?)
But please Allah…I really need more time, to raise my preciouss one, to be a better mother, to be a good wife, to be an honorable member of society, to be a good n noble business owner, to be….a good moslemah. I still have lots of goals…that need time. How much more?Um….try to do my best.
Even for a little thing I can depend on time, like answering the question from my mom: "Did you raise and feed your son properly? He’s so skinny n small (ignoring the fact that he’s happy n healthy)?"……got confused on answering the questions,hum…let me think..I gave him asi, I fed him with nutritious good, I watch n plan what he ate,…I think I did my best,but maybe…. " Just need more time, mom….Ill try to make him fatter" (gee…can you believe that?). Instead of stood up with my own beliefs, I just put a white flag and hide behind that time excuse.and…waiting for a miracle that on one fine day my son will woke up with some additional lbs,magically. Blah….

    Woke up with bad headache this morning,and sneezed once,twice,and followed up by hudreds of sneezes.Ugh…I think I got a COLD.(wa…bad news).no need to b panic, Calm down, after sahur I can take common cold magic pills,and voila…after few hours of sleep(gee…),it will be magically disappeared.Case closed…
    7am,zee woke up, with bad cough and sneezed once,twice and…oh No…..NOT ANOTHER COLD ATTACK!!Bunda’s soooooo sad….and really wanted to keep him at home,but today I had appointments already with some people,there were some works that need to b done before weekend. So, bunda n zee went to zee’s school, after lecturing the caregiver about the medicine he should take for today..blah..blah…blah….bunda gave zee a goodbye kiss and assalamualaikum…But ‘hatchiiiiii",and another "hatchiiiii"…and "ugh ugh" (coughing sounds) are like a symphoni in that room. Oh my God, most of zee’s friends are sick…with fever,and cough and runny nose. DISASTER,DISASTER,my head was ringing like there was a telephone inside it.This will just make zee’s condition worst.Hm..11am,i duno what 2 do,so i told the caregiver to please please please take care of him, put him away from other kids (i actually felt bad about this one,is it too demanding?).
11.05am…I cried because I had to leave him there when he wasn’t feel ing well. Maybe the only thing that he need is only me, his bunda. I hope he knew that I love him always and my heart is always b with him…
4.15pm…finally all my works 4 tday are done,finished,taken care…i ran to my car and went to pick up my preciouss one. He ran to me as soon as I showed up on the door,he hugged me for a long time…How are you prince?feelin’ any better?. So you didn’t catch fever today (Alhamdulillah), you ate all of your meals (Alhamdulillah),and drank 4 bottles of milk (Alhamdulillah).Please keep strong for bunda nak…Ill try my best to be your mother,to be the person that you can count on,that you can respect and always have the shoulder to "go home" to.
5pm…the tape in the car was on, it was cat steven’s muslil children song. "who should I gave my love to?my mind to?my respect to after Allah and Rasulullah?…comes your mother,next..your mother". (I whispered to my zee…i hope Im worth all that and deserve that from you my son)
Let’s get well soon, both of us!!

today is a special day,cause it’s SATURDAY! Saturday means a full day with zee.Only zee and bunda…no school,no works!(well maybe lil works, but also with zee).So, today we start our day with shopping to ANNiSa,we need kopiah for Zee n Ayah…and we suceedly found them,they were cute and just the right sizes.

So after that we moved on to Kado Kita cause zee needed to have luch and bunda needed to do a lil works..(hehehe).Zee had lunch n took a neep like a lil angel there..

and since tday is saturday we had to go to SUPERMARKET to buy some stuff!we always love supermarket trips. everything was just perfect,zee was sitting nicely in the troley and bunda started to do her shopping.but after awhile he got  bored and wanted to be pick and carried.hum..no problemo, Bunda can still deal with that….And when we reached the cashier zee wanted to be put down and walk,well…okay then because im still in queue. But when I finally had to put my stuff on the table n pay,he started to walk far and far away from me. The store was crowded,Im afraid he got lost…so I was run here n there here and there till everyone felt sorry for me.They gave me that so sorry look but couldn’t help.UGh!!The woman on her forties behind me asked me wether I was just alone with him..with that funny looks…It was just a chaos,because I lost my sight on him, he started to walk on the alley…and…finally he returned with…a big box of CONDOMS that he picked himself from the shelf.HAHAHAHAHA….not wanting any brother or sister anytime soon?and people were starting to look at what he got with that funny smile.ARgh…talking about tired,confused and embarrassed…hehehehe.

Well,after we got to the car he was over tired and went to sleep.zee…you are giving me new experiences everyday.But today was realy bizarre!i kissed him on his forehead and drove home.

zee is not feeling well….these last few days…
it’s all started when he catched  a cold 2 weeks ago…he seems to get better but then
after some "kerupuk" and cold pudding and ice cream…he got a throat infection.
(wish i can turn back time and took em all out from my lovely zee’s mouth)
No hun, don’t eat them!they’ll make u sick…
But instead of doing so, i let him explore all the food that he wanted to taste and explore…
he lost some weight, quickly these last fewdays…cause he ate less and played a lot.
even when he’s sick he still loves to play around the house…dancing…singing…whahahaha….
zee is one heck full of energy lil boy…bunda sometimes couldn’t  compete with his unbelivably high energy..(well,maybe this is because bunda’s too lazy..)
but everything about him makes me realize about myself and the way i brought and the way i want him to be brought up.
zee has a strong character, a stubborn head, with sooo much energy and loves to share.
and it’s my challange to make it a super potential gift…hope so,
love u zee….get well soon my lion!